My coworkers only listen to me when I yell.
My friends only pay attention when I'm funny.
My family only wants me for my money.
I think it’s a rather well-known maxim that our perceptions inform our reality. What we believe the world to be, it is. Like most well-known maxims, I hate this for being yet another toss-away saying that stops us from understanding our unique situations and ultimately facing and solving them.
I want to offer another way to look at this concept.
What we offer others is how they connect to us. How we reach them, is how they reach back to us.
Often when a relationship is off, we start by analyzing everything that the other person has or has not done. If we aren't careful, when we look at the other person, we don't clearly see the interaction for what it truly is, but rather, our own fears hover like a phantom between us and them and make us believe that they are acting out what we fear the most.
"It is far harder to kill a phantom than reality." - Virginia Wolf
Rarely is a person so bold or delusional that they ignore all conversation, social cues and body language to overtake the other in a singular effort to exert unwavering control over the interaction. Maybe we see it in extreme or abusive relationships, but for the most part, these are not descriptive of our run-ins with friends, family, coworkers or acquaintances.
By and large, we are hyper aware of each other’s word choice, eye contact, vibes. We take the other person’s lead, at times to the point of losing our own voice. This behavior is on peacock display in a new relationship. We order the ice cream flavor we hate because it‘s her favorite. We tailgate in a freezing parking lot with hot-dog brandishing fans because it’s his favorite team. We suppress all bodily functions because we don’t want to ruin the moment. I can think of countless songs and sitcoms and movies centered around the nervous habits of couples trying to get an accurate read on each other’s thoughts and wishes.
But even outside of romantic endeavors, something can happen when we evacuate our bodies in this effort to assess and connect to other people- we can start to believe that this is how they want us to be. We trap ourselves in behaviors that we began all on our own. Our belief in what other people want from us can yank us upside down like a snare that distorts our view of our relationships really are.
This condition can overtake us when we aren’t listening to what the people we speak to are really saying. Maybe we read way too far into each mannerism and look and sigh. Maybe the voice of constant doubt in our own heads starts to drown out the voice of the person sitting across from us. Maybe the voice from our past or from other relationships echos and morphs the dialogue that seeps into our ears.
We can assume this outlook when we sink into our own fears of interactions. Maybe you are so afraid that no one will listen to you unless you yell, that you yell as loud as you can in every situation. You can't even fathom trying to speak calmly- that fear that you may not even realize is there is telling your subconscious that it's not even worth the effort. You're not powerful enough or respected enough for people to just listen- you better MAKE them listen.
The belief that people only want you or will listen to you under certain conditions can put up blinders that prevent you from even seeing those moments when the connection you say you want is happening. Our fear enables our confirmation bias. If you firmly assert that your spouse only wants you around for you for your cooking, cleaning or other chores, you might not notice when they load the dishwasher, brush the snow off the car or sit on the couch with Netflix ready to go, just waiting for you to chill out and join them. We can even see their efforts as wrong, poorly timed or inconvenient. That is not the direction the bowls should face and he knows it. She can't lift the wipers before it's defrosted or they get ruined. How could I sit on the couch now when there is so much to do! We see the imperfections over the effort and the message that is hoping so badly to be seen. We are so far down the rabbit hole that we beat back any evidence that would disprove our perception.
People connect to us through the pathways that we lay down for them. If you want your family to hang out with you, just because, then maybe check and see if you are actually asking them to do that. Are you inviting them on walks, hikes, over for movie night or off to do something you would love their company in doing? Are they demanding gifts, asking for loans and complaining during low-key visits? Or when you reflect, are you in fact leading with gifts, financial support, elaborately planned gatherings? Ask them to do the thing you would love for your relationship to be about and see how the react. Be ready to see their response clearly and you may be surprised by what happens next.
“If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear as it is, Infinite. For man has closed himself up, till he sees all things thro’ narrow clinks of his cavern” - William Blake
The first step in addressing a relationship dynamic ought to be reflecting. Is this thing actually happening, or is this something I'm so afraid of that I am getting stuck in my own head?
How many arguments have you invented -and won- in the shower? Do you spend your car rides thinking through how you'd react if a situation ever arose? It's easy to go down this road. We need to recognize that we are highly skilled at bringing our own fears to life. Go spend time with the person and try to pay attention to what they say and how they act- it's likely different than the image that's been stuck in our minds. When we've been a part too much, our imagination distorts the reality. Just seeing the person's face is often enough to kill those demons, but if not, say something.
We forget the power of simple conversations. Get together. Talk it out. Hug it out. Believe that others are kind and compassionate- most people still are.
Comments