Like, better than what is out there currently.
While listening to a conversation today*, these two excerpts stuck me:
“These are very sheltered young girls. These are the generation that grew up with helicopter parents. And they barely have ever had a kiss. They’ve never held hands. They spend all their time on their phone. They don’t know their own bodies and their own desires. And they haven’t experienced romantic relationships... They don’t know who they are. They don’t know what they want, and instead they turn to the internet to answer all their questions.”
“The images the girls see online are ... frightening because they see violent porn at very very young ages. Women being choked within an inch of their life, this is what young girls think sex looks like with a man and they’re terrified of it. It doesn’t look anything like something to look forward to, instead it looks like something to run away from.”
I grew up going to a very traditional protestant church. They were good people, but to me, it felt like everyone was old, lukewarm, and perhaps hiding away rather than living courageously. Nobody talked about sex. When they did, it was a one word conversation that went something like, "abstinence."
From what I can see, just about every institution is failing young people in this department. And as someone who is now called 'ma'am' far more often than 'kiddo', I don't see that our resources improve much as we get older.
I will not attempt to answer the question as to why no one talks about it, because even I am squirming in my seat as I type. But I want to highlight this topic as one that women writers need to start confronting ASAP in whatever your chosen genre and format might be.
Most movies are written by men. So, most sex scenes are written by men. It's always the same. It's over acted. It's cheesy. I don't know that anyone sees it as an accurate representation of real life.
We can change that. We can write better sex scenes. We can surround it with real-life-inspired context. We can share what we've learned about ourselves and let it serve as comfort, reassurance and confidence to others.
I can't address the porn issue. I have never googled it or sought it out. Once, I accidentally watched a few seconds of it as I stepped on to Willie Nelson's tour bus, but was quickly redirected by an offering of organic coconut water and a joint. I know that I do see a lot of nude magazine covers, billboards, commercials. I mean, I hate advertising, but that battle is being led most competently by ladies like Jean Killborne and Jennifer Newsome.
I can speak to the matter of sex as it is discussed within a church setting. Every church I have been in has sternly warned young people that intimacy of any kind before marriage is a sin, it is wrong, there is no acceptable level of physical touch. We were not engaged in conversation so much as we were scolded as though we were dogs lustfully sniffing the trash.
So, either we grew up blushing as we offered the boys a scoop of homemade potato salad at the summer picnic, or we went off to see what all the fuss was about and ended up pregnant before we could even mourn having to forgo our whisky sours.
At least two girls from my Sunday school class had babies at a young age. They are extraordinary mothers, I have no critique of them, I just wonder if they felt equipped to navigate those encounters in such a way that they felt in control of the experience and the outcome.
For the girls and boys who do opt for marriage first, “waiting” is hardly what they’ve done. They’re married in their very early twenties and have babies within that first year. Again, I wonder if that was their plan or if it was an inevitability delivered via naivete.
And it's a strange twist, because once you are married, well then- go for it! Sex is great, it's wonderful. God created this for couples to enjoy. But this sudden reversal in the messaging almost gaslights people. When you grew up hearing how wrong and bad it was, how can you turn on a dime and enjoy it?
I want to be clear- I think this is yet another area where people have gotten God wrong. I believe he wants us to know our bodies, to see their beauty and to explore them freely without shame. Let's not forget that the garden of Eden was intended to be a clothing optional oasis. The Song of Solomon is an entire chapter on close, intimate encounters. God wants us to use our bodies to their fullest, which means, using them for sex. The guidelines for self-respect have largely been bastardized into an unforgiving dogma.
Pornography and the Church fail young people. They both perpetuate a fear of sex.
Porn shows that sex is rough, strange, violent and unfamiliar. The Church says it's a sin, it'll get you into trouble. Of course we'd rather just scroll on our phones.
If I see one more movie where a man grabs a woman by the thighs and slams her up against a bathroom stall, I’ll just, I’ll just- turn it off because it’s totally asinine.
So ladies, I think it's time we get busy writing.
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